I rang in the new year 2020 holding my dad's hand as he lay in ICU having chest pain. I had just discovered FamilySearch, so I rattled off the names of our ancestors to distract him from the pain. I went so far back I even discovered that I'm related to Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius!
memento mori
Less than a month later, I was sitting in the waiting room when I got the news that he probably wasn't going to live. He was on artificial life support. My first reaction was to start writing my thoughts about him. As time ticked on, I knew I had to pull the cable. He had written an advanced directive just for this scenario.
He had planned ahead. He had practiced memento mori, remembering that he would die. This made it easier for me in that difficult moment. He was helping me, even then.
He died on January 29th, 2020.
Sometimes it seems like we spend so much time trying to avoid that reality that it prevents us from living. The funny thing about death is that facing it makes us realize so much more about life. With the notes from the waiting room and some time to think, I wrote some final words for the funeral. As I looked at old pictures, listened to others talk about him, and saw all of his family there, it made sense.
Life goes on.
Funerals are bittersweet because they bring a family together like no other event. Little did we know how important it would be to gather together at that time.
'Rona on the way
All of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again.
- Battlestar Galactica; and earlier from J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan.
Much earlier, in the 2nd century:
That whatever happens has always happened, and always will, and is happening at this very moment, everywhere. Just like this.
- Marcus Aurelius (translated by Gregory Hays), Meditations 12.26
Shortly before the lockdown, we were lucky enough to celebrate my son's 4th birthday with a few of his friends and attend a friend's wedding. Soon after, I had read the right things to have an idea of what was coming. I stocked up for a couple of weeks.
Initially, it felt apocalyptic. As I learned about historical pandemics, I realized that it is a common recurrence. For example, reading about the reaction of the Anti-Mask League of San Francisco during the 1918 flu pandemic feels eerily familiar.
As we marched on into madness, I noticed how sensationally people spoke and behaved. Some folks were talking it down, pretending as if it wasn't real. Others overstocked and spread fear. A lack of understanding and temperance fueled a fiery divide between losing freedom and losing life. Of course, we lost both to save some of each.
Nature escape
As spring came into bloom, my family and I went into nature when not in isolation. Sometimes it was challenging to find private camping spots, but it was easy to find hiking trails. Getting into nature wasn't just necessary for balancing isolation. It was helpful to have the space to think without the intense sensations of modern living.
As my family enjoyed a nature escape, folks were rising up against the injustice of police brutality and systemic racism in our country. After having the privilege of our escape, we found the courage and clarity to mask up and join the next demonstration.
We realized we did not want to be a complacent part of a "silent majority". Instead, we want to teach our child to stand up for what is right and show him how to shed ego.
Caught COVID
After months of isolation, a weekend getaway with friends brought back The 'Rona. Soon after, we started getting symptoms. For me, it was flu-like with cold chills and body aches. For my spouse, it included shortness of breath, chest pain, and heart palpitations. She required remote monitoring but thankfully stayed out of the hospital.
We were lucky.
The worst symptoms for me were the loss of smell and taste. It was disorienting. It muted the world in a terrible way. It was not at all like how going into nature reduced the sensations of society.
Reading and writing, with a dash of thought
During our quarantine (and since) I took the time to read, write, and reflect. Thinking of death gave me the perspective I required to prioritize these tasks. That is what forced me out of the shadows of my programming.
I bought Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (translated by Gregory Hays) right after finding out we were exposed to COVID-19. I started journaling and reviving my blog, as well.
Political Poopybutthole
I have never been that much into politics, probably because of my fear of confrontation as much as my apathy. But also, I don't like tearing people down. I would rather learn to work together.
With the increasing divide, I try to be more open to discuss with others. I purposefully set moderate to little expectations for outcomes, trying instead to find ways to better understand other points of view and how to rationally converse without attack.
I saw COVID-19 as an opportunity for people to unite, but it, unfortunately, had turned into a political divide. If 2020 were a simulation of what happens during a pandemic in a world with systemic racism and tribal tendencies, this one was not the best-case scenario. Unfortunately, it seems this is not a simulation nor a parasite putting fake memories into our minds, but our friend. Consumed in fear and drunken ego, we shot him down.
How have I stayed positive?
1. Always find the silver lining (amor fati)
Nothing that goes on in anyone else's mind can harm you. Nor can the shifts and changes in the world around you.
– Then where is harm to be found?
In your capacity to see it. Stop doing that and everything will be fine.
- Marcus Aurelius (translated by Gregory Hays), Meditations 4.39
My dad would’ve been anxious about COVID-19; what if he would have died from it, alone and suffering, in the hospital? He didn’t have to stay in a nursing home nor become disabled.
Quarantine provides the space to work on the self, to look within, and to reflect. It is a time to build the internal force to bear the burden of whatever comes next. Or at least I can catch up on all those books I wanted to read.
The fight against police brutality and systemic racism is difficult and controversial. However, it is another opportunity for self-reflection: to see how our own privileges and biases drive our perceptions and actions.
The political divide gives us the energy and clarity to find ways to connect with others, find common ground, show moderation in our words and actions, and strike a balancing compromise when all else fails.
2. Prepare for the worst (premeditatio malorum)
When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly.
- Marcus Aurelius (translated by Gregory Hays), Meditations 2.1
Scout Motto: Be prepared.
I had bad dreams of my dad dying when I was a child. I think it was my mind's way of coping, but it also provided a built-in premeditatio malorum program to prepare me for the inevitable.
What if COVID-19 caused a large infrastructure breakdown? What if civil war broke out? What if my child had a tragic accident?
When it has not happened, I appreciate another outcome.
If it does, I will be prepared.
3. Exercise
My spouse and I ran a virtual 5K last spring. Exercise releases stress and endorphins, and it reduces pain and fatigue.
I use it to let go of the thoughts in my mind. At least it gives enough of a distraction to work things out slower.
4. Comedy
Laugh at yourself; it helps to stay humble. Make jokes. Watch/re-watch comedy.
5. Go into nature, quietly
Our nature escape gave us perspective and appreciation. It is a good environment in which to think without all of the busyness of everyday life.
At the least, it is a reminder to protect the world in which we live.
6. Yoga and meditation
They both develop self-awareness by recognizing how the body feels: pain, tightness, or flexibility. And they are conducive to checking in with our thoughts and emotions.
With the awareness and release of stress, it is possible to break that mental/physical loop. See 3. Exercise.
7. Accept, no expectations
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.
- From Lucky Man by Michael J. Fox
I try to think of what is in my control. Anything outside of that, I cannot expect to turn out one way or another.
8. Express yourself
Find out how to express emotions and put thoughts down so that they are out of your head. Be creative.
See yourself writing this article. We are all reflections of the world around us. Use your mirror to shine.
9. Do something nice
It’s easier to stay positive when you spread it. It works best when you get nothing from it.
10. Sleep
There was a time when I had terrible sleep habits. I would drink caffeine and watch a screen, then try to fall asleep. Waking up was exhausting and filled with dread.
Once I started developing better sleep habits, I found myself in less pain and more positive about the day ahead of me.
Finally 2021
Of course, 2020 was difficult both personally and collectively. I needed to write this to remind myself of how I have remained positive in spite of the world around me. I needed to capture and organize my thoughts and habits so that I can return to them.